Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize