my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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