You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
