Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
