Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
