We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
