One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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