I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
