Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
