Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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