Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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