I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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