Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
