She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
