The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
