John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
don't judge my taste in strippers
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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