i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
