Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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