So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
