piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
