he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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