New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He did a backflip because drugs
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize