I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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