im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
