Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
