i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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