I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
