What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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