I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
