I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
