Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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