who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
