I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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