I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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