we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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