What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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