my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
