Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
