apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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