I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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