The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
