White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My hand turned me down
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
