why didn't you poke me back
My hand turned me down
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
