omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
