It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Dicks are not precious.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
