I accidentally had phone sex last night
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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