my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She even gives head with a lisp.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
