if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
