dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The air was thick with penises
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
