Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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