He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
