You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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