maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
