is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
NoShamevember. You game?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
