So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
