I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
